Do you envy those who feel love?

[Admin]

or do you believe love is weakness??

[Nick]

Love is not a weakness, to a normal person. But to me it is my deepest liability. When I start to "love" I'll open myself up, turn myself inside out, and become the hideous apparition they call co-dependent.

Love is a blessing for those with the capacity and complexity to deal with it. I've accepted that....it's not for me.

[violet]

I envied a lot those who love and enjoy being together... I felt rejected and misunderstood many times. I just couldn't fit in and be one of them... and I felt inferior to others because of my inability to feel (and I still feel inferior).. I felt a lot of (self)hate and anger. I heard other narcissists saying that love is a weakness... what means weakness for you? is it shameful for you to feel? well for me it isn't shameful to feel... but it is shameful to feel and be rejected at the same time. I feel i'm not worthy enough to get close to somebody.
However I don't know if i envy them anymore.I don't know if there's anybody I'm jealous of anymore... (maybe that's one of the steps?) or at least I'm not aware of this feeling anymore.
I want to have strong feelings.. but actually i noticed that somehow i'm afraid to feel them... for example when i watch a movie and its action produces a pale feeling inside myself(fear, compassion for characters)... i feel the urge to stop it.
But at the same time i'm very afraid of being dead inside.. almost all the time i feel very empty and i just can't change it. Maybe i have to start trusting someone and become more "human"......?
Music
I love listening to music. It awokes pure,neat feelings inside me - It is quite relaxing and sometimes it helps me cry when i become too afraid of being numb. What do you feel when you listen to music?